Lessons deployment has taught me.

Posted on | September 1, 2010 | 11 Comments

1) People will not understand. No one can understand how you feel unless they have had a husband deploy. They just can’t. They will say they understand. They will tell you how sorry they are, and they will sympathize with you that this must be a very difficult time. But they will not really understand. In the breath after telling you how sad they are for you, they will complain about their husband having to go on a business trip for a week.

Forgive them.

Give them a break.

Your life is not the one they chose. A week apart is hard. And in your mind, you’ll be thinking, “I can’t believe you’re complaining to me about a week. My husband’s gone for a year. A year.” But let it go. You made the choice to marry a man that will be gone. Often. There are reasons you married this man and chose this life. Don’t mirror your choices on others.

This has been my mantra this week. I cannot tell you the number of people who have said to me, “I’m so sorry. My brother’s, wife’s, cousin deployed, and I miss him so much. I totally understand.” Really? There’s no way they could understand. But they don’t have to. It’s up to me to smile, say thank you, and remember that it is not their responsibility to know. People are just going to say things in hopes it makes you feel better. Let them.

2) Stay busy. Take care of yourself. Find your passion and pursue it. Your husband is pursuing his career. He is doing things that are changing the world and saving lives. No, you don’t have to run out and start ensuring justice for your country, but do something. If you have kids, find a babysitter one day a week, every other week, a month, so that you can do what you love. Or find something from home you love. If you work, you can still make the time for yourself. But you have to really commit to making the time.

My hardest days and longest nights are when I don’t make myself do something I love. Weird, right? That you have to make yourself do something you love. Anyone can fall into the trap of taking care of everyone else and forgetting themselves. It’s a particularly easy thing to do if your husband is deployed. You are the one running everything. But take a moment to do something you love whenever you can. I write. I make sure to get my hair done every couple (or few) months. I do lunch out, even if my date only has four teeth. These little moments help me. I stay busy with the blog, with my Thirty-One business, with my writing job, and with my sales job. All of which I can do from home during naptime. I walk with the baby and dog every day. You have to stay busy.

3) Support. Support. Support. Oh, I cannot tell you how important this is. Find your support. If you’re hundreds of miles from your family, look to your Post/Base. Find the FRG on Post, and become an active member. Or, try MeetUp . There are hundreds of mommy groups. Not your thing? Mine either. I’m totally not into it. But, sometimes you have to put yourself out there and try something outside of your comfort zone. You may surprise yourself with how wonderful it can be to surround yourself with the women that know exactly how you feel.

4) Remember, you are not single. There’s something about deployment that seems to tear some families apart. Ladies, you are not single. Sure, it’s okay to go out and have dinner and drinks with your girlfriends. It’s okay to have margaritas at a Mexican restaurant with your friends. It’s not okay to act like you’re unattached just because your man is out of the country. Nothing makes me more angry than to see spouses mess around on each other because they are apart. It’s pathetic. If you can’t handle being apart during deployment, you shouldn’t be married. The same goes to anyone who is actually deployed. It’s not okay to pretend like you’re single because your wife/husband back home may not find out what you do. Not cute. Not cool. And guess what? Even if on the off chance your spouse doesn’t find out? You get to live with it for the rest of your life. Fun? I think not.

5) It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay if you feel really down sometimes. Give yourself a break. I have to tell myself this all the time. When Taylor first deployed, I pretended like I was strong, superwoman that could do it all. I did not want Taylor worried about me and the baby. I got tired of hearing people feel sorry for me. So I acted like I was fine all day and cried into my pillows at night. That’s not healthy. Allow yourself some grieving time. You are going to miss your spouse while they’re gone, and that’s okay. And it’s okay to let them know you miss them. I don’t think that you should dwell on it or make things harder on your spouse by constantly reminding them how horrible it is that they are gone. They know. It’s hard on them, too. But let yourself cry if you  need to. Then put your big girl panties back on, take a deep breath, and try to smile.

It's always nice to share with your friends.

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Comments

"I'm a twenty-five-year old mama to two little boys and married to the love of my life. I have a serious Diet Coke addiction and a tendency to overshare. This is the story of us as we flounder through raising our wild, little boys, moving a million times, and buying and renovating our 1968 Ranch home."

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