A “scare.”
Posted on | June 27, 2012 | 9 Comments
When we were trying to get pregnant with Sully, every negative test was a sad moment. I would sigh, place the test in the trash, wipe a couple tears and move on with the day. We were lucky, and within six months, that test finally came back positive. Right on the tip of the “average” scale in terms of trying to conceive time. The feelings I had when I finally saw that positive test were indescribable. I was beyond elated. I burst into tears and ran out of the bathroom, yelling to Taylor that he had to wake up because we were going to be parents. In the next five minutes, I got sick. It was as though my body had to see the results to recognize what was happening.
I never understood that feeling of relief that people got with a negative test. I never had a “scare.” Never had a moment where I thought I might be pregnant and wasn’t ready. Even with Arlo, even when we got pregnant almost immediately after Taylor’s boots hit American soil after a deployment, I wasn’t scared. I was excited and nervous, but not scared. A negative test would have been a disappointment to me.
Last month, we had a “scare.”
Having not been quite as careful as we could have been and combining that with a period showing up late, and I was terrified. Let me tell you, there is nothing like thinking you’re pregnant unplanned to make you realize just how NOT ready you are for another baby.
Don’t get me wrong, if we were to find out we were pregnant, I would probably freak out for about, ten minutes, maybe cry. And then I would get over it. And we would be thrilled and make it work and get excited. We would lean on God and each other, we would tighten our belts, and we would build our little family once again. But y’all? I am soooo not ready. Selfishly, I kept thinking about the fact that I have either been breastfeeding or pregnant with the exception of six months since February of 2009. I was thinking about how hard I’ve been working to look good in a swim suit and how this would be another summer where I was miserably sick and uncomfortable in my clothes. I thought about how I wasn’t ready to give up wine or hot, hot baths. I thought about having to buy ANOTHER crib and not having a guest room.
I was so selfishly not ready.
Taylor had a slight moment of panic, too. Though, he tends to keep his head on straight in moments of fear. He quickly reminded me that we would be okay, and that obviously, we weren’t too worried or we would have been more careful. And he’s right. I’ve talked and talked about wanting a third, but in that moment, I knew I hadn’t fully thought about what another baby would entail.
Noted.
I didn’t end up having to take that pregnancy test as my body finally got back on track, but I can’t tell you how relieved I felt. And yet, a little sad that I was relieved. It was a hard to realize that I really am not ready. It was hard to see how happy I was to NOT be pregnant. I know that someday, I want to see a positive test and feel that joy and excitement and thrill of knowing there is another life on the way.
But not yet.
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9 Responses to “A “scare.””
"I'm a twenty-five-year old mama to two little boys and married to the love of my life. I have a serious Diet Coke addiction and a tendency to overshare. My biggest dream is to write a book. A good book that tons of people buy and relate to and love. In the mean time, this is the story of us as we flounder through raising our wild, little boys, moving a million times, and buying and renovating our 1968 Ranch home."
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June 27th, 2012 @ 9:17 pm
Oh Ive been there mama! Then you get that moment where you see the negtive and you still cant figure out what you want. “I should be happy, we dont want another one right now” but then theres still that pang of disappointment. Its so hard to figure out. We’re in the mist of trying to decide when we should have our second…I’d love a post on how you knew you guys were ready? Im so terrified of two!
Sally Reply:
June 27th, 2012 at 9:20 pm
Good idea, Vanessa! I’ll write that up sometime tomorrow
June 27th, 2012 @ 9:30 pm
Vanessa, two is hard for about 3 months and then only after that if both are screaming at the same time!!!
June 27th, 2012 @ 9:46 pm
darn it, there goes my march doula client
Sally Reply:
June 27th, 2012 at 9:51 pm
Haha, sorry love! Maybe I’ll fly you in someday
June 27th, 2012 @ 10:01 pm
Sally, our Reagan was totally a “scare” for us. We NEVER planned on having a baby so soon after getting married… we were pregnant under four months of getting married. Plus, we were UBER careful. And I cried. Then, I got excited and never looked back. It’s so amazing how God gives us the strength to handle exactly what He lays in our path!
p.s. I so admire how open you are! Thank you for sharing with all of us!
June 27th, 2012 @ 10:20 pm
We has a scare too, after 4 years of being pregnant or breastfeeding pretty much non-stop…. We named her Maggie. Hah! And I was unhappy to be oregnant on and off for about 2 weeks…. We wanted a third but we wanted to wait longer. This time? I’m getting fixed. No more fetuses in this ute.
June 28th, 2012 @ 6:23 am
Thanks for sharing! I needed to hear this! It helped me realize that even if I’m not completely ready, I’d be okay if we had a surprise. ; )
June 28th, 2012 @ 4:45 pm
My second baby was an ooops baby:) He is only 16 months younger than my first and I was soooooo not ready for that. I had many moments of wishing that it hadn’t happened in the beginning. It’s hard to be pregnant when your first is still really a baby. But then my baby began to grow up and I realized that he was no longer a baby but a toddler and that giving him a baby brother was the best gift I could ever give him. I wasn’t taking something away from him by getting pregnant so soon, I was giving him a best friend. Now I am pregnant again with #3, this one was planned. This baby will only be 18 months younger than my second but we decided we wanted it this way. Excited to find out in a few weeks if we will be giving our boys another little brother or maybe a little sister:)