On the women haters.
Posted on | January 25, 2013 | 8 Comments
In college, finding girlfriends was an easy task. I was surrounded by strong, beautiful, funny women who were searching, just like me, for their place in life. We were all so different, and yet, the commonality of being a young girl in a big world and feeling all alone drew us in close and helped us embrace each other fiercely. I spent almost every minute of every day with at least one girlfriend; be it my hilariously sarcastic and brilliant roommate, Lucy, or my kind-hearted, tender, joy of a friend, Bubba. Be it in the middle of Yonce gym during a sorority meeting. Be in on the dance floor in a fraternity house making bad decisions together. Where ever I was, they were there too. Sure, we had our ups and downs, but I never felt judged. I never felt alone. And I always had someone who was willing to share a secret and a cocktail with me.
I graduated a year early and moved hundreds of miles away with my new husband, and suddenly, I was experiencing a very different kind of woman. The women I met were mainly girlfriends or wives of Soldiers. Like me, they all had good friends “back home”, but many were not interested in making new friends. Most had serious jobs and co-workers. The phrase, “I just don’t really get along with other women,” was tossed around like a hot potato, and for the first time, I realized that women could be cruel. I found Facebook pages that mocked women who were military spouses. I heard women say they wanted nothing to do with any FRG because all of the women who were involved sucked. I heard women bash other women for having more than one child, for not working, for blogging, for doing anything that they wouldn’t do. And I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why women would hate each other so much. I withdrew from trying to make friends. I spent time at children’s play places with Sully, but I never made the effort to meet another mama. I joined “Meet Up” groups only to never go. I enrolled Sully in Kindermusiq, but I never learned the other moms’ names. I became an introvert for the first time in my life, and I hated that about myself.
I worked retail for awhile, but then I stayed at home when Sully was born. I found myself in a very lonely situation. I had a husband whom I ADORED but no girlfriends to gossip with over coffee. My vision of an Army family who would welcome us with open arms quickly shattered.
I spent the best part of the first three years of our marriage desperately missing my girlfriends. We would chat as often as possible and visit each other when we could, but then I would hang up the phone or watch them drive away, and immediately be back to my quiet, family life. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not, and never have been, in any way, displeased with the life I chose. I love my family to the ends of this world, and if they were all I ever had, I could find absolute satisfaction in them. But I also believe that many women have a primal, instinctual need for the company of other women. We need someone we can relate to, lean on, and share sex secrets with. We need someone who can look us in the eye and say, “I’ve been there, honey. Here, drink some more wine.” We need someone to tell us to put on our big girl panties when we complain too much. We need someone to say, “Yeah, those shoes aren’t going to work with that dress, and yes, those jeans make your butt look big.”
At least, I know I need that.
When we moved to Georgia, I finally met my first real-world, non-college friend. Erin, my neighbor, was newly pregnant, sweet, and smart. We were in similar life stages, and for the first time in a long time, I found comfort in knowing that a good friend was right next door. We would wander between the houses, seeking new recipes, baby sleeping advice, and to share funny breastfeeding stories. I still miss Erin, and we keep in touch as often as we can. In Virginia, I met another Erin, along with a couple sweet mamas that I had known previously from theBump. Erin was a fellow wife of a Soldier. Her wit made her an immediate ally, and we spent many evenings around the kitchen table laughing and teasing our husbands. The mamas from my computer were yet another reminder of how desperately I needed women friendships. They were welcoming and so kind. I was sad to leave them behind and still play Words with Friends and send text messages to them when I get a free minute.
When I arrived to North Carolina, I met the women of our FRG. While not everyone is super involved, everyone truly is so kind. I have met, I am certain, some very dear girlfriends that I will keep forever. This community is one of the most close-knit, lovely communities I’ve had the privilege of being a part of, and I am so grateful for them. I’ve met a dear friend who was first an instructor for me and now a favorite coffee buddy. I’ve met sweet neighbors who bring over cookies and invite us for dinner. I’ve met other moms at Sully’s school. I’ve met local bloggers who embraced me as though they have always known me. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like this place is fully a home. I have my beautiful family, my new house, and now, wonderful girlfriends who mean the world to me.
I understand not everyone is like me. Not everyone needs, or even wants, girlfriends. Many women are perfectly happy without other women. I have no judgement for that. To each their own, sisters! But, I do implore of every woman, please be kind to each other. We don’t all have to be best friends, but bashing each other for the hell of it? Or because we parent differently? Or make different life choices? Or own guns or don’t own guns or home school or work full-time? Why? The vast majority of women who I know who say they don’t like other women have a good reason behind their feelings. A woman has torn her apart in the past. She’s been hurt. She’s been left out. She’s had a vicious rumor spread about her. Something has happened that shouldn’t have. And what a shame. As women, we are only hurting ourselves by brutalizing another mother, wife, sister, daughter. So, stop it. And I know I’m not innocent. In my past, I have no doubt that I have hurt another woman. Unintentionally, I hope, but I feel certain that in my teenage days, I was not always as kind as I should have been.
And I promise to all women that I won’t ever be “that girl” again. I’ll never be the girl that makes another woman feel bad about herself for no apparent reason other than not fitting a mold or idea.
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8 Responses to “On the women haters.”
"I'm a twenty-five-year old mama to two little boys and married to the love of my life. I have a serious Diet Coke addiction and a tendency to overshare. My biggest dream is to write a book. A good book that tons of people buy and relate to and love. In the mean time, this is the story of us as we flounder through raising our wild, little boys, moving a million times, and buying and renovating our 1968 Ranch home."
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January 25th, 2013 @ 5:42 pm
After 10.. wait, yes around 10 years after college, once we moved here, got a house, settled down and started going to church THEN I finally found some friends post college. I still see a couple of my college friends (we live an hour or 3 apart) once a year. Now one of the friends has moved 8 hours away and the rest of us haven’t gotten together since. I’m not liking this trend. I know they’re all busy with jobs and such, but it kind of stinks. The perception that the group we had founded was ‘too narrow’ even though everyone in the church was invited both from the pulpit and in the newsletter multiple times, means it came to an end, which was my once a month chance to chat with women, gone. The ‘new’ group hasn’t started up yet, months later. They want to make it a weekly, instructional meeting.. umm, yeah. not so much. so we’ll see how it goes if it ever gets started.
I find it incredibly hard to meet people. I’m introverted (although once you get to know me, or via my blog) you’ll realize I’ll just open up. I’m honest, blunt, and raw. Just awkward though. I have good ‘close’ friends that are all online now since we’re so far apart, but there just are zero other ‘homemakers/SAHM’s’ here. Everyone has a job, or two. Those our age have teenagers that they are running everywhere, and those with kids of the same age as us are 20 years old and completely irresponsible seeming. It’s scary. People are either way too busy or way too.. vague? about everything. I definitely WANT to seek out new people, but there are very few our age at our church and since no one ‘gets out’ except at ‘huge’ events, it’s hard to just break into a group of people you don’t know and say ‘hi, we’ve lived here for 3 years and don’t know anyone can I be your friend?’. you know? I’m definitely not a hater, had too many people hate me to do the same thing to others.
Sally Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 9:13 pm
I totally understand. I think we’ve all been in similar situations, and it’s hard
January 25th, 2013 @ 8:56 pm
This made me all sappy. I am so glad we’re friends, I wish we could all be healthy at the same time long enough to get our terrors together to terrorize things while we hang out! You’re a great friend to have, so thank you for being mine!!!
Sally Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 9:14 pm
XOXOXO!
January 28th, 2013 @ 3:18 am
It’s difficult to find good friends when you move so much. I am lucky in that I have not yet met gossipy, mean, women. However, it’s been difficult for me to find good, lifelong friends.
I am like you – I NEED girlfriends. I am outgoing, but even then, it doesn’t mean you always can find like minded women.
I didn’t have a child until I was 35, which meant I was very isolated in the military world. Every activity, it seemed, revolved around children.
Now that we are overseas and I have a little one, I have met some awesome women. Women that I know I would choose to befriend, kids or not.
The hardest part comes..when they (or you) PCS. Then you have to start all over.
Sally Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 9:13 pm
That’s no joke. The PCS part of the army (or any military) is always so difficult.
January 29th, 2013 @ 7:22 pm
Your post was forwarded to me, and this is a great post. I am a new military wife at a new post dealing with all that it entails. Here’s my view on making friends: http://curlyhaircurlyperson.wordpress.com/2013/01/03/some-days-yes-and-some-days-no/
Sally Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 9:12 pm
I’m glad to hear someone shared with you! I’m off to read your post now. The first few PCS’s are never easy.