When Blogging Goes Astray.
Posted on | February 19, 2013 | 26 Comments
This blog used to be my safe haven. It was my therapy at the end of a long day or during a long nap time. It was a place I could go and vent or share good news. A place where other mamas could relate to me, and I could feel not so alone while my husband was deployed or while I’d spent another long day as a stay-at-home mom. I would come with a jumbled mind, furiously type out my thoughts, close the laptop, and walk away feeling refreshed and lighter. The feedback I got was all positive. Other mamas, looking for a bit of honesty, were happy to see they weren’t alone.
Y’all have celebrated the birth of two of my babies, the return of a husband from two deployments, the purchase of our first home, and almost five anniversaries with me. Many of you have become close friends. Some of you have shared coffee and laughter and even tears with me. Some of you have sent emails that changed my view on the idea of “internet friends.” I have learned that you don’t always have to meet another woman in person to know she’s a sister at heart.
But as this blog has grown and changed, I’ve been met with resistance. It started with a few anonymous comments that were meaner that anything anyone had ever said to me in person. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face, and I had no idea who did it. When I shared my hurt with other bloggers, they would sadly nod their heads and say, “That’s just part of the deal, babe.” So I moved on with life. But then I got some mean emails. And then it seemed like any post that wasn’t complete fluff was received with something negative, something stinging. So I began pulling back.
I found myself questioning every word I wrote. Writing and re-writing posts. Hesitating. Finally hitting post, and then fretting for hours every time my inbox with ding with a new comment. I stopped commenting back as much because I always feared being misunderstood or not conveying the right tone. I became less and less personal and more and more obtuse, and this blog has become a place that doesn’t really feel like “me.”
If I share too much, I’m potentially scarring my children for life. If I only talk about the puppies and rainbows in our life, I’m being “unrealistic, fake, and a liar.” If I complain about any thing that bothers me, I’m not being grateful for what I have or enjoying my life and my children. And how is any of that fair? In the last six months, I have deleted and blocked comments from more people than I care to admit. Not just little snide comments, but flat-out meanness. And I’m over it. I’m over seeing people write things about me that could not be more untrue, and I’m sick of feeling overly sensitive to comments that are well-meaning but don’t sit well with me because I’ve already been knocked down by someone else. And yes, I realize that as a blogger, “We put it all out there,” and we’re expected to take what we get in return. I disagree with that sentimate. Just because I choose to share a part of my life with the public doesn’t mean I deserve to be raked over the coals every time someone thinks differently. Maybe I should grow tougher skin, but I’ve always been sensitive, and I kind of like that aspect of myself.
At the end of the day, I am just a woman. I am a mama doing the best damn job she can, and sometimes I falter. I’m being a wife to a husband whom I adore, but sometimes, we trip along the way. I’m trying to help lead an FRG, write a blog, volunteer, be a friend to women who are great friends for me. And it’s all great, but sometimes a ball drops, and lately it’s been the ball right here. If anything has to fall off the radar, I guess I’d rather it be this blog than anything in my personal life. But truthfully?
I miss it here. I miss being unabashedly honest and open. I miss rushing into your hypothetical arms with tears in my eyes and being able to emotionally drain everything here. I miss being able to scream with joy when something awesome happens with no fear of being accused of bragging.
I’m not sure where that leaves me. Please know, this post is not directed at anyone in general. Those who have left nasty comments have been blocked. I have replied through email to any comments that stung, so you could have already heard from me. This is just a general “speaking out loud” of sorts as to where to go from here. Do I keep it fluff and bare and write only when I feel guilty because it’s been too long since I took it to the blog? Do I get back to my roots and learn to find the love in writing again? I don’t really have an answer. This blog has been a piece of my identity for so long that I have a hard time imagining myself with out it, but I don’t like what it is on a day-to-day basis now.
I guess it’s just something that will take a little time to work itself out. But to all of you who have been here and been supportive, to all of you who have made kind, constructive, supportive comments (even when they don’t align with my point of view), all of you who have agreed to disagree, and pulled me up when I’m down, and been happy with me when good things in life happen, to all of you….Thank you. You have brought more joy into my life than I could even let you know.
Comments
26 Responses to “When Blogging Goes Astray.”
"I'm a twenty-five-year old mama to two little boys and married to the love of my life. I have a serious Diet Coke addiction and a tendency to overshare. My biggest dream is to write a book. A good book that tons of people buy and relate to and love. In the mean time, this is the story of us as we flounder through raising our wild, little boys, moving a million times, and buying and renovating our 1968 Ranch home."
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February 19th, 2013 @ 2:23 pm
((HUG)) Sorry you’ve gotten nasty comments! I’ll never understand why people do that! I love your honesty, I always have. Hang in there, Mama!
Sally Reply:
February 19th, 2013 at 2:40 pm
Thank you, Verna! You have always been such a kind heart and a dear friend.
February 19th, 2013 @ 2:35 pm
I love your blog. I hope more than anything that it can be something that lifts you up, not brings you down. Because I sure don’t want you to give up on it. Your blog is one of my very favorite places to go on the internet. I’m having one of the hardest days of my life. I found out last night my mom almost certainly has cancer. I’m fighting back tears constantly. She has a biopsy today but we pretty much already know what the answer will be. We are waiting to find out where it is and how far it has spread. I have a little sister that is only 17. We can’t go on without her. Anyway, I’m telling you all this to say that on a day when I really need a friend, I sat down and brought up your blog. I have friends I can talk to but since my mom’s news hasn’t really been shared yet, I can’t really talk to them yet. So thanks for being here. I really needed to tell someone.
Sally Reply:
February 19th, 2013 at 2:41 pm
This comment made me tear up. I am so sorry for what you’re going through right now, and you and your family are in my prayers. I can’t imagine that feeling, and I will be praying for the best possible news for you and your mama.
Please feel free to email me anytime. I’m always happy to be on the receiving end of someone needing an outlet. XOXO.
February 19th, 2013 @ 2:39 pm
This post makes me so sad.
I hate to hear the mean people are really getting to you. You are a wonderful writer! I love reading every post, even if I don’t agree with everything! I truly do miss your every day posts! ((HUG))
Sally Reply:
February 19th, 2013 at 2:41 pm
Thank you, Ashley! I’m going to try to get back to normal…I think. I just need to reevaluate how to do that.
February 19th, 2013 @ 2:46 pm
Let me start by saying that I’m not married, nor do I have kids. While I may not be able to relate to every post, your wit, honesty, and kindness bring me back every time. You don’t sugar coat the ups and downs of motherhood, marriage, or being a first-time home owner. You tell it like it is and I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to read. So to all the haters, take your nastiness someplace else. There are so many people who love this blog!
February 19th, 2013 @ 3:14 pm
Just like Courtney, I’m not married and don’t have kids. You and I are really at two totally different places in our lives. But still, I love coming here and truly enjoy your writing. It blows my mind how people feel the need to post negative and hurtful comments or even send hateful emails. I’m so sorry Sally!
February 19th, 2013 @ 3:35 pm
I am a long time reader and though I don’t have a blog of my own, I completely understand how you feel. I know mean comments would bring me down and it is a shame that you have to hold back doing something you love because of other people with too much time on their hands. I hope you stay because I love reading about your life and your little family. Just know that all those mean comments come from ignorance and jealousy, and nothing should prevent you from doing what you love. Just follow your heart and do what is best for you
February 19th, 2013 @ 4:04 pm
Write for you. I know that’s hard when everyone is telling you that they don’t like what you’re saying, but it’s what ya gotta do.
I’ve been reading since before Arlo was born, and I don’t plan on stopping now. Love you!
February 19th, 2013 @ 4:39 pm
You go Momma…take your time and find your path. I think this is something we all struggle with and I’m certain that if you take some time to allow your ‘return to the blog’ to happen organically, you will find your groove again.
It’s perhaps not just about the heavy stuff vs the fluff stuff, but rather the simple old adage of ‘choose your battles’. Maybe by simply only sharing heavy stuff you’re extremely passionate about you will have the drive to stay strong and fight to what you believe in…
Good luck momma.
February 19th, 2013 @ 5:09 pm
Same boat as many of your readers: not married, no kids, and yet I’m so excited every time I see you’ve uploaded a new post (and always hope for a few pics of those adorable boys of yours!). You are an engaging blog writer who so many 20-somethings like myself can relate to (kids or not), and I feel so fortunate to have stumbled across this website a few years back. Watching you grow as a mother and your family grow into Adorable is very encouraging for the day in the future that I make the same decision for my life.
It’s true, with blogs you’re putting yourself out there for people to see and to form opinions as they think fit. But opinions aren’t akin to nastiness. I think its highly likely you and I disagree about quite a few issues/topics, yet because you’ve always presented your argument in a concise and clear way which demonstrates your ability to logically argue your own side without belittling the other, it sparks my interest, rather than rage. People who comment and email nasty comments aren’t mature or courteous enough to look objectively at a situation and see your perspective, or perhaps aren’t informed enough to have their own opinion and lash out to feel more powerful. They may need a hug. Or a Prozac.
Bring back the old Sally! I love your fierce opinions because they’re yours and you stick to them. Let the haters go troll somewhere else. The rest of us (and there are a LOT of us!) love the loud and proud you. Chin up momma. We’ve all got your back.
February 19th, 2013 @ 5:20 pm
I found your blog, what seems like ages ago, when Sully was just a tiny guy. I immediately fell in love with it and went to your very first blog and read every.single.post.and have kept up with that to this day. You’re bookmarked in my “Blogs” tab at the very, very top, right above The Bloggess. When I’m behind on blog reading, your’s is the only one I check.
I know I don’t comment on here a lot, but I want you to know that I love your blog. All parts of it. From the ache for another sweet babe to the potty training a toddler and a puppy, deployments to your the sweet details on how you met your hubby, moving from here to there and finally finding roots in your first home, and diapers, diaper, diapers. =D I enjoy your candid nature, how you’re able to bare yourself to us and make us feel more normal for it. And I would be quite sad if you felt as though you had to stop sharing your life with us.
I feel as though there are always going to be some sort of “haters” in our lives, whether it be in person or online. The unfortunate thing with the internet is that we are unable to kick them to the curb and go on with our lives. I hope that you find a way to ignore them, as the majority of us love the pants off of you, and would feel a void if you weren’t a part of our internet lives.
February 19th, 2013 @ 8:42 pm
jeez. I like to keep it real but I always attempt to edit any comments if I find myself coming off as crabby. hopefully I haven’t been with you. I can’t see as anything would make people angry, at all.. so.. yeah. who knows. sometimes people just want to be pissy. I know I felt personally attacked and the person brought her little friends over to beat up on me, too. The whole point of a blog is to share your feelings in a safe place, your space, when that space feels violated, it’s definitely no fun, particularly when the point is that it’s your personal space. If they don’t agree with you, they should say so and not attack.
February 19th, 2013 @ 8:48 pm
Sally— sending hugs your way right now! I know the hurt you are feeling and I HATE that its that way. I wish that our world was a kinder place, because people are often mean and unkind in every setting (the internet just makes it easier). That being said, your blog is and continues to be one of my favorite blogs to read! I always ALWAYS take time to read your posts because I feel that you are so genuine! I wish that in college we had had an opportunity to open up more or even run in the same circles, as I admire you! hang in there girl and go kick some a**!
February 19th, 2013 @ 8:50 pm
I haven’t been following your blog for nearly as long as you’ve been around, but I have been following you for a few months maybe a year. I’ve been here long enough to see great posts, and then things start going down hill. Not your posts going down hill, but the feedback from your viewers. I’m not here to tell you anything you don’t already know, but I just wanted you to know that I do enjoy reading your posts even if some of them get to be a little wordy. (not unlike my own blog posts) I am of the school of thought that you really shouldn’t say anything at all if you don’t have something nice or constructive to say. I know things don’t go that way so we either choose to endure the things people do say, we don’t post anything for fear of what people say, or we block the ability for people to say anything directly in response to what we write. Writing is therapeutic for you, and it’s probably therapeutic for some of your readers to read what you write. You’re not looking for anyone’s thoughts on how to fix the problem, there’s probably not a fix for the problem, but if I was in your position I would probably just block the ability to comment on my posts. If I really couldn’t stand not hearing what someone has to say about my post then I’d probably add a method for a direct private contact to the bottom of each post and read their thoughts that way. Most people who have something hateful to say probably won’t go through the trouble to send you a private message because they are probably only posting so that other people will read and hopefully respond to what they have to say. People who wish to encourage you will probably send you their thoughts, but less often than they do now. Whatever you choose, don’t let anyone dictate to you what you should do. I’m not saying toughen up and don’t listen to what people have to say negative or otherwise because that wouldn’t be me being true to myself. I’m like you I like to relate to others and I am sensitive about negative comments.
I can’t stand it when I post to a help group or forum and someone disagrees with my comments and the moderators choose to censor what I have to say. That’s why I started a blog so I can write things and no one can dictate to me what I say or how I say it.
Cheers to you for making it this far, and I hope that you are able to proceed in the way that you want to with courage and a high head.
February 19th, 2013 @ 10:17 pm
hugs mama. you’re a g reat writer, woman and mama and people on the internets need a life. you’re too busy with yours for all that mess
February 19th, 2013 @ 10:52 pm
I love your blog. I love the different perspectives and just seeing how your take on life is. I love that although we live in different countires and our experiences and views may be different, we are alike in many ways. I learn so much from you and gain so much perspective. You are a fabulous writer and mom. It’s unfortunate how people can ruin the way we see ourselves and impact what we love. Keep doing what you are doing. This is your blog, your place to write what you want. Haters can keep moving..just wish they’d keep their comments to themselves.
February 20th, 2013 @ 12:45 am
I LOVE your blog! I have followed since The Bump days. And how many times I have wished to have been closer geographically so that maybe we could bump into each other and start up a conversation. (That sounds a lot creepier than it’s meant to I promise.) I also have two little ones who are 16 months apart and I have loved reading about your life with two rough and tumble toddlers.
Your posts on being lonely and and having a hard time finding friends, helped me realize that I actually wasn’t struggling with being a mom, but rather not having any close friends who understood.
Your writing and candidness have really been refreshing and I hope to see more from you soon!
February 20th, 2013 @ 6:00 am
Thumbs up, Sally!
I never understood the little respect bloggers get from people who like to judge everyone who doesn’t lead the life and doesn’t think the thoughts they consider right. It is stupid, it is mean, it is sad and it lacks RESPECT.
I enjoy reading your blog, I love reading about your thoughts, I think you have a wonderful husband and two beautiful kids (and yes, I am jealous, haha!) and from what I read I am sure you are doing the best job ever to make your family enjoy life.
And we all struggle, we all fight and we are all annoyed with our family at times…that doesn’t mean that we are not thankful.
Oh well…seems those haters are always perfect if they have to guts to judge you, huh? Ignore them. You are a wonderful person – don’t change being you because of these stupid people!
Hugs xxx
February 20th, 2013 @ 10:47 am
Please don’t stop blogging – I love reading your blog! You are such a cheerful highlight to my day.
February 20th, 2013 @ 11:02 am
Sally,
Love your blog. Don’t stop blogging. Whenever you get a mean comment, just remember what my mama always told me “The only people whose opinions matter are those that you respect and love. If you don’t know/like someone, why do you care what they think? It only gives them power over you.” It’s obviously much easier said than done. But as I’ve grown older, the more I practice, the better I’ve gotten at it
So don’t give those negative nellies the power to ruin your day, just think to yourself “why should I even care what you think?” and move on.
And Anonymous,
If you come back here and read this comment and need someone to talk to about cancer, feel free to email me. My address is cynericson at gmail dot com. I’m a cancer survivor so I’ve been through it all. I can help answer any questions you might have about what to expect and provide some great resources for your mom if she needs support. Cancer stinks and it is crazy scary, but there is a good chance that your mom will continue to live a long life. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
February 20th, 2013 @ 1:59 pm
Sending you BIG hugs from a fellow momma! I’m so sorry people think it’s okay to be rude, to be cruel, and to lash out at others. I’ve been a long-time reader and can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me along the way of motherhood. You are great Sally and I’m so glad you won’t let people get in the way of that!
February 20th, 2013 @ 2:11 pm
Dear Sally and Cyn,
I am doing a little better today thanks to you ladies. I believe sometimes getting something off your chest works wonders toward helping you climb out of the pit of despair. When you’re alone in something you tend to just keep digging yourself deeper and deeper. I really needed to tell someone just how sad and scared I was feeling. Thanks for your support and thanks for making this a place to find friends. We won’t know what we’re facing with my mom for a few more days still as we wait for her test results, but I’m feeling a lot more optimistic today. Thanks again.
February 20th, 2013 @ 4:42 pm
I’m not married, nor do I have kids but your blog is one of my favs on the Internet!! I have your newly wed post bookmarked for when I’m feeling blue or have had a fight with my boyfriend, ha ha. I was dreading that this entry would conclude with you stepping away from blogging and I’m SO GLAD it didn’t. Love your recipes, love your stories, love your photos. I look forward to continuing to read
February 25th, 2013 @ 3:57 am
That is so sad that some people have nothing better to do with their time. Assholes. It makes me angry. I see it more and more, people commenting creepy things, rude things, just to hurt.
I enjoy your writing and can relate to a lot of things, as a mil spouse and as a momma. Please keep writing.